1
00:00:00,300 --> 00:00:04,830
Well, hello to you, and a
hearty, Happy Christmas!

2
00:00:05,030 --> 00:00:08,421
Oh, I've missed you.
Thrilled to be reunited.

3
00:00:08,422 --> 00:00:12,142
Thank you for dressing up
or down, in some cases.

4
00:00:12,143 --> 00:00:14,250
And to those for undressing, I'm flattered,

5
00:00:14,251 --> 00:00:16,882
but put them back on, please.
It's weird. OK.

6
00:00:16,912 --> 00:00:18,990
Right, catch-up time. Firstly,

7
00:00:18,991 --> 00:00:21,661
Gary. Well, we've agreed just friends.

8
00:00:21,662 --> 00:00:23,505
No, it's the right thing to do

9
00:00:23,506 --> 00:00:26,311
and easier than our attempts at romance.

10
00:00:29,094 --> 00:00:30,800
- Ooh! Are you OK?
- Yeah. Mm hmm.

11
00:00:30,801 --> 00:00:33,046
Yeah? Just... just give us a minute.

12
00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:52,577
Want a bit of this?

13
00:00:53,613 --> 00:00:57,341
Now, Mum, she's on a mission
to get me trim 'n fit.

14
00:00:57,352 --> 00:01:00,319
It's not working. Mini mince pie? Mine!

15
00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:03,392
But she did force me to her
and Tilly's Zumba class.

16
00:01:05,006 --> 00:01:06,700
Next move!

17
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,373
Oh no, that's sexual.
Sorry, I'm not doing that.

18
00:01:09,612 --> 00:01:11,053
And find partners!

19
00:01:11,412 --> 00:01:12,752
Oh, well. When in Rome.

20
00:01:13,901 --> 00:01:14,976
Flirt!

21
00:01:15,510 --> 00:01:18,028
Hi, I'm gymnastics level 2.

22
00:01:20,257 --> 00:01:22,328
And now to reveal my big bulletin.

23
00:01:22,329 --> 00:01:23,819
Not a euphemism.

24
00:01:23,820 --> 00:01:27,513
My lovely shop has gone under. I know!

25
00:01:27,514 --> 00:01:29,798
Well, we hit hard times, and Stevie said

26
00:01:29,799 --> 00:01:31,907
I wasn't taking the business seriously.

27
00:01:31,939 --> 00:01:35,457
And you really thought maracas would sell?

28
00:01:37,202 --> 00:01:39,118
Please, for once, just focus.

29
00:01:39,119 --> 00:01:40,451
Now, if we sell...

30
00:01:40,452 --> 00:01:43,498
- Celebrate good times...
- Right! That's it. I quit!

31
00:01:43,499 --> 00:01:44,515
Oh no! Stevie, wait!

32
00:01:45,473 --> 00:01:47,478
Biscuit Blizzard, yeah?

33
00:01:52,513 --> 00:01:56,200
So Stevie's got some executive
job, but on a positive note,

34
00:01:56,201 --> 00:01:58,312
it's cake and sherry night tonight -

35
00:01:58,313 --> 00:01:59,999
Yes, I am 80 -

36
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:03,141
to celebrate MY new job starting tomorrow.

37
00:02:03,142 --> 00:02:06,012
Admin assistant at your service.

38
00:02:07,984 --> 00:02:09,400
Cue titles.

39
00:02:23,162 --> 00:02:26,811
Santa Claus is coming to town

40
00:02:26,812 --> 00:02:29,999
He sees you when you're sleeping

41
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:31,450
He knows when you're awake...

42
00:02:31,451 --> 00:02:33,852
Right, you want to learn
to marzipan the cake?

43
00:02:33,853 --> 00:02:36,141
- Yes, Madam.
- OK.

44
00:02:36,142 --> 00:02:37,831
Oh! No! No, no, no, no.

45
00:02:37,832 --> 00:02:41,099
Much more gently than that. That's it.
Just smooth it.

46
00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:44,862
We're interrupting!

47
00:02:44,863 --> 00:02:48,291
Queen Kong, Gary! You were
on the brink of a kiss.

48
00:02:48,292 --> 00:02:49,781
Totes brinkulating.

49
00:02:49,782 --> 00:02:50,861
No!

50
00:02:50,862 --> 00:02:52,529
We're just friends. We are hanging.

51
00:02:52,530 --> 00:02:53,580
We are sorting it.

52
00:02:53,581 --> 00:02:54,940
"We" this, "We" that.

53
00:02:54,941 --> 00:02:56,482
Yeah, can you stop "Weeing"?

54
00:02:58,179 --> 00:03:00,352
Can you stop "Weeing"?

55
00:03:00,353 --> 00:03:02,263
Because of the connotation.

56
00:03:03,895 --> 00:03:05,477
Can you stop "Weeing"?

57
00:03:06,432 --> 00:03:07,740
So where have you been?

58
00:03:07,741 --> 00:03:10,423
You're late for sherry and a slice night.

59
00:03:10,424 --> 00:03:13,529
We've been trying some evening classes.
We just did Kendo.

60
00:03:13,530 --> 00:03:15,527
It's fun, yet... yet violent.

61
00:03:15,802 --> 00:03:18,107
We-oh-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

62
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:19,752
It's quite moi!

63
00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:23,170
And then we did Aqua-French, and
that was quite moi as well.

64
00:03:23,171 --> 00:03:24,945
I love being single. It's brilliant.

65
00:03:25,380 --> 00:03:27,599
As professional executives,

66
00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:30,240
it's important we find our
extracurricular activity.

67
00:03:30,241 --> 00:03:32,516
Yeah, it's all about the hobby dobby doo.

68
00:03:33,562 --> 00:03:36,098
Hobbying with our new
bestfriend Tilly, are we?

69
00:03:36,099 --> 00:03:37,349
Oh, putting "Are we" after a fact

70
00:03:37,350 --> 00:03:39,514
to be passive aggressive, are we?

71
00:03:40,500 --> 00:03:42,992
Strutting like a rabid Smurf, are we?

72
00:03:44,302 --> 00:03:47,591
Got a bit of marzipan
on our cheek, have we?

73
00:03:47,592 --> 00:03:49,459
Getting the "Are we" wrong and
saying "Have we" instead of

74
00:03:49,460 --> 00:03:51,809
"Are we", are we? I won!

75
00:03:53,286 --> 00:03:55,527
Oh, come here. You have
got marzipan, actually.

76
00:03:56,789 --> 00:03:58,042
Are you feeling on the brink?

77
00:03:58,043 --> 00:04:00,802
Maybe a bit brinky, yeah.

78
00:04:00,860 --> 00:04:01,882
We must be brinkless Gary.

79
00:04:01,883 --> 00:04:03,600
Sorry, no brinking.

80
00:04:03,635 --> 00:04:05,943
It's just you were cutely vulnerable.

81
00:04:06,152 --> 00:04:09,335
And you teaching was manly and dominant.

82
00:04:10,695 --> 00:04:12,901
On the brink!

83
00:04:12,902 --> 00:04:15,431
Brinkle, brinkle, Little star

84
00:04:15,432 --> 00:04:18,101
How I wonder what you are.

85
00:04:18,102 --> 00:04:21,810
Miranda, darling. I've had another
GHASTLY Christmas newsletter.

86
00:04:21,811 --> 00:04:24,060
And hello to you, Mum. Christmas cheer.

87
00:04:24,061 --> 00:04:25,298
Stop it. We're British,

88
00:04:25,299 --> 00:04:27,432
sober and no-one's going to prison.

89
00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:31,931
Cheers. This one's from
the Lumley-Kendalls.

90
00:04:31,932 --> 00:04:35,857
"Baby Nelson said his first
two words, 'good shot'.

91
00:04:36,952 --> 00:04:39,670
"Tarquin is rowing to
the Sudan to take them

92
00:04:39,671 --> 00:04:42,595
"pate as part of his
Duke of Edinburgh Award.

93
00:04:43,512 --> 00:04:47,311
"And Latoya lost three stone
doing charity fun runs

94
00:04:47,312 --> 00:04:50,348
"and marries a Duke in
the spring." So smug.

95
00:04:50,349 --> 00:04:53,687
Plus, Mrs Lumely-Kendall thought I was 64.

96
00:04:53,688 --> 00:04:56,479
- You are 64.
- I just turned 52.

97
00:04:58,147 --> 00:04:59,400
For a newsletter like that.

98
00:04:59,401 --> 00:05:02,222
All I could say was,
"Miranda's a fat temp."

99
00:05:02,223 --> 00:05:03,392
Harsh!

100
00:05:04,932 --> 00:05:07,459
Right, dashing home ASAP.

101
00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:10,792
I've got an appointment with
your father to exfoliate his...

102
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,412
- Right, here we go.
- That looks delicious!

103
00:05:15,413 --> 00:05:17,404
- Thanks, Gary.
- Yum!

104
00:05:17,405 --> 00:05:18,709
'A new report suggests up to

105
00:05:18,710 --> 00:05:22,001
65% of us 'could now be considered obese.'

106
00:05:22,002 --> 00:05:23,971
How do people GET like that?

107
00:05:23,972 --> 00:05:25,091
Don't know!

108
00:05:25,092 --> 00:05:27,811
'This is Michael Jackford
for Southern News.'

109
00:05:36,342 --> 00:05:37,551
Was that me?

110
00:05:38,102 --> 00:05:40,957
Was I just at the end of an obesity report?

111
00:05:43,562 --> 00:05:47,510
Shocker! Lat mousse! Which
you probably want to scoff!

112
00:05:48,442 --> 00:05:50,742
Obese-Wan Ken-Obiste!

113
00:05:51,796 --> 00:05:54,313
I'm not obese. The camera was
just panning away, wasn't it?

114
00:05:54,314 --> 00:05:56,555
Oh yeah, yeah, no. It was moving off.
The camera was panning.

115
00:05:56,556 --> 00:05:58,127
That was weird!

116
00:05:58,128 --> 00:06:00,599
YOU! On the telly! Weird!

117
00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:03,542
Of ALL the people to get on the telly.

118
00:06:03,736 --> 00:06:06,115
REALLY weird!

119
00:06:06,116 --> 00:06:07,512
Yes, thank you.

120
00:06:09,064 --> 00:06:12,592
Right, we are, of course,
gathere'ed here tonight

121
00:06:12,593 --> 00:06:16,471
to toast ahoy and welcome
aboard my hearty -

122
00:06:16,472 --> 00:06:19,014
oh, I've gone sort of posh pirate - to...

123
00:06:19,665 --> 00:06:21,618
my new job.

124
00:06:22,125 --> 00:06:22,857
Your new job.

125
00:06:22,858 --> 00:06:24,160
- Your new job.
- Jobulous.

126
00:06:24,161 --> 00:06:27,656
And, of course, we say a bon
voyage to the shop, which in...

127
00:06:28,309 --> 00:06:29,657
- Delicious.
- Excuse me, what are you doing?

128
00:06:29,658 --> 00:06:30,530
I'm doing a speech.

129
00:06:30,531 --> 00:06:32,880
A sweeps take for when you'll be fired.

130
00:06:32,881 --> 00:06:34,192
I'm going ten past nine.

131
00:06:34,193 --> 00:06:35,775
I START at nine.

132
00:06:37,522 --> 00:06:38,972
Five past nine.

133
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:44,599
Rude! You forget I am a slick chick.

134
00:06:51,682 --> 00:06:54,900
Isn't it full? Isn't it...
isn't it full? Oh, no?

135
00:06:54,912 --> 00:06:55,954
Hello!

136
00:06:56,322 --> 00:06:57,023
I've had relationships with

137
00:06:57,024 --> 00:06:58,968
less physical contact than this.

138
00:06:59,742 --> 00:07:02,232
- Are you holding my hand?
- No.

139
00:07:04,784 --> 00:07:07,078
Inappropriately close to
someone else's teeth.

140
00:07:08,942 --> 00:07:10,242
Egg breath!

141
00:07:16,472 --> 00:07:19,998
OK, I can do this. Deep breath.

142
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:25,650
Ooh, my goodness!

143
00:07:31,802 --> 00:07:35,217
Hi, morning. I've just got a very hot leg.

144
00:07:47,882 --> 00:07:49,713
Sorry. I'm from the agency.

145
00:07:49,954 --> 00:07:52,048
Temp, not escort!

146
00:07:52,049 --> 00:07:53,077
Not "Your 9 o'clock's here,

147
00:07:53,078 --> 00:07:54,491
big and busty".

148
00:07:54,492 --> 00:07:56,272
Looking at you but not listening.

149
00:07:56,273 --> 00:07:57,985
Right, this is your area.

150
00:07:57,986 --> 00:07:59,180
Do you hear what I am saying?

151
00:07:59,181 --> 00:08:01,060
Well I do, yes, in that I'm not deaf.

152
00:08:01,061 --> 00:08:02,932
I'll get you a pass and a fob.

153
00:08:02,933 --> 00:08:04,241
Fob?

154
00:08:04,242 --> 00:08:06,120
That's Sue. This is Emma. I'm Emma.

155
00:08:06,121 --> 00:08:08,880
Just one thing, what does
the company actually do?

156
00:08:08,881 --> 00:08:11,230
We provide strategic planning
and data support and recently

157
00:08:11,231 --> 00:08:13,498
creative new media to blue-chip
financial service companies

158
00:08:13,499 --> 00:08:15,461
across Hampshire and the Thames Valley...

159
00:08:15,462 --> 00:08:17,398
The new media boss is
coming in this morning?

160
00:08:17,399 --> 00:08:19,495
New boss. Do you hear what I'm saying?

161
00:08:20,097 --> 00:08:22,001
I hear you say that but I don't really know

162
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,322
- what you're saying.
- I totally hear what you're saying.

163
00:08:24,329 --> 00:08:26,631
But she only really said "Do
you hear what I'm saying?"

164
00:08:28,023 --> 00:08:30,356
It's fine, you know. I'll catch the lingo.

165
00:08:30,357 --> 00:08:32,098
You know, you're just a bit younger.

166
00:08:32,099 --> 00:08:35,038
- So what? What year where you born?
- 1991?

167
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:38,037
That's only just happened!

168
00:08:39,100 --> 00:08:40,482
No, you've got that wrong.

169
00:08:40,483 --> 00:08:42,821
Nice outfit, by the way.

170
00:08:42,822 --> 00:08:44,472
Thanks, dudes. Yup, sure.

171
00:08:44,473 --> 00:08:46,571
Longhurst, Bailey and...

172
00:08:46,572 --> 00:08:48,592
What's the... What's the company?

173
00:08:48,593 --> 00:08:50,807
Longhurst, Bailey... Longhurst...

174
00:08:52,392 --> 00:08:55,581
Longhurst, Bailey and Nn-uhh.

175
00:08:55,582 --> 00:08:58,822
Yes, yes. Certainly. I'll put you through.
Just, umm...

176
00:09:06,922 --> 00:09:09,853
Longhurst, Bailey and Uh-oh?

177
00:09:10,892 --> 00:09:12,464
What company?

178
00:09:12,465 --> 00:09:14,890
Sorry, yes, hello, won't keep you long.

179
00:09:14,891 --> 00:09:18,122
Please hold, your call is
important to us, please hold.

180
00:09:18,312 --> 00:09:20,435
Do you want to play biscuit blizzard?

181
00:09:21,452 --> 00:09:24,096
All so serious. Where are the larks?

182
00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:26,015
Oh, I miss Stevie and the shop!

183
00:09:27,122 --> 00:09:29,142
The drawing pins have been laid.

184
00:09:29,143 --> 00:09:31,201
It's time for Hopper roulette.

185
00:09:31,202 --> 00:09:33,781
Gladiators, mount your hoppers.

186
00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:35,422
Go!

187
00:09:41,892 --> 00:09:44,892
I'm going to have to pick
it up and say a rude word.

188
00:09:46,772 --> 00:09:47,992
Spasm.

189
00:09:49,162 --> 00:09:50,980
Right, listen up.

190
00:09:52,144 --> 00:09:53,312
Sheath.

191
00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:58,516
- Sorry.
- New boss.

192
00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:02,470
Right guys, I want to get a
feel for how we all tick.

193
00:10:02,471 --> 00:10:03,606
All right? Let's go around the room -

194
00:10:03,607 --> 00:10:05,991
names, hobbies, top strength.

195
00:10:05,992 --> 00:10:07,632
You, top strength, go!

196
00:10:10,049 --> 00:10:11,136
Must have one.

197
00:10:12,717 --> 00:10:14,102
Height!

198
00:10:15,502 --> 00:10:18,505
- You, go.
- Susan Perb. Call me Sue.

199
00:10:18,882 --> 00:10:20,242
- Sue Perb?
- Yes.

200
00:10:20,243 --> 00:10:24,315
Sue Perb? How is that not funny?

201
00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:25,962
Nothing from anyone.

202
00:10:25,963 --> 00:10:27,551
She's called Sue Perb!

203
00:10:27,552 --> 00:10:30,271
- What?
- What?!

204
00:10:30,272 --> 00:10:32,521
Right, OK. That is it,

205
00:10:32,522 --> 00:10:36,659
I cannot work with people who
don't find that properly funny.

206
00:10:37,772 --> 00:10:39,715
Have you ever walked past this meeting room

207
00:10:39,716 --> 00:10:42,501
and flashed during an important meeting?

208
00:10:42,502 --> 00:10:44,521
If not, why not?

209
00:10:44,522 --> 00:10:46,638
Youth is for at least the odd lark which is

210
00:10:46,639 --> 00:10:51,626
why I am determined to get
my beautiful shop back.

211
00:11:01,352 --> 00:11:03,652
Funny! Fact!

212
00:11:05,802 --> 00:11:07,960
You're taking the shop off the market?

213
00:11:07,961 --> 00:11:11,050
Brilliant! Oh, we should
celebrate, as friends, obviously.

214
00:11:11,051 --> 00:11:13,120
- Movie and take away?
- Void of brink.

215
00:11:13,121 --> 00:11:14,660
- Tonight, yeah?
- Definitely.

216
00:11:14,661 --> 00:11:16,020
Er, what are you doing tonight?

217
00:11:16,021 --> 00:11:17,956
I thought it was Miranda and Stevie's

218
00:11:17,957 --> 00:11:20,620
Meet At Six For Chick Flicks
Pic'n'Mix And Bix Fix.

219
00:11:20,621 --> 00:11:23,190
No, I'm going to celebrate
trying to get the shop back.

220
00:11:23,191 --> 00:11:24,700
Oh, Stevie, will you come back?

221
00:11:24,701 --> 00:11:26,245
Stevie's an executive now.

222
00:11:26,246 --> 00:11:27,835
- Oh, is Stevie?
- Yes, Stevie is.

223
00:11:27,836 --> 00:11:30,657
She manages the retail
appointments at a recruitment...

224
00:11:30,658 --> 00:11:32,519
It was just white noise.

225
00:11:38,527 --> 00:11:42,086
Part of a televisual obese campaign?

226
00:11:42,087 --> 00:11:43,921
It was panning.

227
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:47,718
Right, Christmas is confiscated
until you've detoxed

228
00:11:47,719 --> 00:11:49,447
and lost weight for the Lumley-Kendall's

229
00:11:49,448 --> 00:11:52,381
Cashmere-Sweater-Themed-
Christingle-Pringle-Mingle.

230
00:11:54,208 --> 00:11:57,986
Your father's made some
Michael Buble baubles.

231
00:11:57,987 --> 00:11:59,820
Such fun!

232
00:12:01,384 --> 00:12:03,607
Oh, she wouldn't confiscate
Christmas, would she?

233
00:12:03,608 --> 00:12:07,076
I mean, all the food and
the pressies and the food

234
00:12:07,077 --> 00:12:10,520
and the music and the food and the food

235
00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:14,626
and the fires and the food and the food.

236
00:12:15,461 --> 00:12:17,247
And the food.

237
00:12:17,277 --> 00:12:20,296
You SHOULD detox, you're
obsessed with food.

238
00:12:20,297 --> 00:12:23,245
I am not detoxing. You have to
eat things called pearl barley

239
00:12:23,246 --> 00:12:25,825
and you know my rule, I
will not eat something that

240
00:12:25,826 --> 00:12:28,139
sounds like a character
in Coronation Street.

241
00:12:28,967 --> 00:12:31,060
There's loads of great,
healthy things out there.

242
00:12:31,061 --> 00:12:33,243
I could make you a
sugar-free beetroot cake.

243
00:12:39,057 --> 00:12:42,051
A sugar-free beetroot cake?

244
00:12:42,052 --> 00:12:44,361
What next? A pea and ham sponge?

245
00:12:44,362 --> 00:12:46,098
I don't know. I'm out of here

246
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,707
cos I've got to make an appointment
with a business manager,

247
00:12:48,708 --> 00:12:50,482
do you hear what I am saying?

248
00:12:54,377 --> 00:12:57,475
Tripped! I meant to, I
meant to go out like that.

249
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:00,900
Like a little pony doing dressage.

250
00:13:06,467 --> 00:13:08,445
A five, six, seven, eight.

251
00:13:08,446 --> 00:13:11,626
Rockin' around the Christmas tree...

252
00:13:11,627 --> 00:13:14,158
..At the Christmas party hop

253
00:13:15,047 --> 00:13:18,225
Mistletoe hung where you can see

254
00:13:18,740 --> 00:13:21,086
Every couple tries to stop...

255
00:13:22,407 --> 00:13:24,795
I'm just so bored of the shop accounts.

256
00:13:24,796 --> 00:13:28,037
Right, well listen don't tell
your mum but pizza, popcorn,

257
00:13:28,038 --> 00:13:30,397
horror film, anti-romance. Great.

258
00:13:31,877 --> 00:13:33,630
Ooh, yum! Oh, smells good!

259
00:13:33,631 --> 00:13:35,402
Er, you. OK. Thanks.

260
00:13:51,142 --> 00:13:52,217
Sorry. Sorry.

261
00:13:52,218 --> 00:13:53,817
Can you not get popcorn everywhere?

262
00:13:53,818 --> 00:13:55,969
Sorry, the husks travel.

263
00:13:56,444 --> 00:13:59,047
Husks. That's an excellent word, isn't it?

264
00:13:59,347 --> 00:14:01,057
Husks.

265
00:14:02,207 --> 00:14:04,198
Husks.

266
00:14:11,447 --> 00:14:12,986
I don't want to watch
but I can't not watch.

267
00:14:12,987 --> 00:14:14,511
It's like Boris Johnson.

268
00:14:18,927 --> 00:14:21,609
Oh no! The electricity bill.

269
00:14:24,707 --> 00:14:27,187
You've got that look on your face. What?

270
00:14:27,188 --> 00:14:30,345
No, I was thinking about the girl
in the film, she's quite cute.

271
00:14:30,527 --> 00:14:32,297
Oh, really?

272
00:14:32,523 --> 00:14:34,619
Oh, well. If you like that kind of spindly,

273
00:14:34,620 --> 00:14:36,325
button-nosed kind of you could use her

274
00:14:36,326 --> 00:14:38,305
as a toothpick kind of thing, then, fine,

275
00:14:38,306 --> 00:14:39,740
then track her down, she might be

276
00:14:39,741 --> 00:14:41,395
in Hong Kong, you could marry her.

277
00:14:41,396 --> 00:14:43,785
I knew it! I knew you hadn't forgiven me.

278
00:14:43,786 --> 00:14:45,665
I married Tamara for a green card.

279
00:14:45,666 --> 00:14:47,059
Green card, yeah, yeah.

280
00:14:48,152 --> 00:14:49,840
They're coming to get us!

281
00:14:50,126 --> 00:14:53,076
Put the pizza down. Mum!

282
00:14:53,077 --> 00:14:57,301
Penny. I smell fat people.

283
00:14:59,637 --> 00:15:01,798
I have an appointment with Miranda at 9.

284
00:15:01,799 --> 00:15:03,345
- Yes, that's me.
- Good morning.

285
00:15:03,346 --> 00:15:04,789
Good morning. Shall we?

286
00:15:12,987 --> 00:15:15,694
My name is Dick Twist.

287
00:15:18,387 --> 00:15:20,776
Dick Twist! Why not?

288
00:15:20,777 --> 00:15:23,636
I received your application for a loan.

289
00:15:23,637 --> 00:15:26,355
So let's go over your particulars. Cheeky!

290
00:15:27,437 --> 00:15:28,417
Right.

291
00:15:28,457 --> 00:15:30,112
Now, your application is

292
00:15:30,113 --> 00:15:32,545
not what we'd normally expect.
For starters,

293
00:15:32,546 --> 00:15:34,385
time at current address -

294
00:15:34,386 --> 00:15:36,063
11.30?

295
00:15:36,997 --> 00:15:40,549
Well, that was the time.
Yes, what's your collateral?

296
00:15:40,550 --> 00:15:41,917
Oh, it's really high I'm afraid.

297
00:15:41,918 --> 00:15:43,799
I try and stay off cream.

298
00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:46,114
Yes, I think until you get a manager with

299
00:15:46,115 --> 00:15:49,383
a clear business plan to assess all the...
No, wait, Mr Twist.

300
00:15:49,384 --> 00:15:52,185
I do have an idea that
will be really profitable

301
00:15:52,186 --> 00:15:54,316
if I can just get my maracas out.

302
00:15:54,967 --> 00:15:56,999
Not that. Yes, I was going to say

303
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:59,150
I don't think that would
be very profitable at all.

304
00:16:00,207 --> 00:16:04,466
Right well, if Zumba is such a craze, yes?

305
00:16:04,467 --> 00:16:07,508
What about Maraca-class?

306
00:16:08,917 --> 00:16:10,100
Yeah?

307
00:16:10,278 --> 00:16:12,576
Look at that. Ooh! A bit saucy!

308
00:16:12,577 --> 00:16:16,607
Arms out, arms -
look at that! Let's try it with music.

309
00:16:18,247 --> 00:16:21,221
Oh! Yeah?

310
00:16:21,222 --> 00:16:23,566
I am a one-woman fiesta.

311
00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:26,241
Imagine me with a Brazilian.

312
00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:28,511
Forget I said that.

313
00:16:30,397 --> 00:16:33,832
Any minute now I think you'll
think, "Yeah, this is an idea."

314
00:16:42,397 --> 00:16:44,204
Was that Ross Kemp?

315
00:16:48,277 --> 00:16:49,845
They're repossessing the shop.

316
00:16:49,846 --> 00:16:52,707
On Friday. I've defaulted
my mortgage payments.

317
00:16:52,708 --> 00:16:56,736
That is the final straw. You
are an obese destitute.

318
00:16:56,737 --> 00:16:59,686
It was panning. Obese destitute.

319
00:16:59,687 --> 00:17:01,800
Can't write that in my newsletter, can I?

320
00:17:02,227 --> 00:17:05,077
Now you look here -
Mummy will save the shop,

321
00:17:05,078 --> 00:17:07,698
manage the business if you
come to Eaters Anonymous.

322
00:17:07,699 --> 00:17:10,565
- Even the notion!
- Right. No Christmas.

323
00:17:10,566 --> 00:17:12,898
Fine. I do not want to
hang with you and Dad

324
00:17:12,899 --> 00:17:15,071
for two days being
subjected to Dad's yearly

325
00:17:15,072 --> 00:17:18,015
one-man performance of the
Twelve Days of Christmas.

326
00:17:18,016 --> 00:17:20,845
No-one should have to see
his maids-a-milking!

327
00:17:21,327 --> 00:17:24,599
- Darling, what about his five gold rings?
- They are worse!

328
00:17:26,127 --> 00:17:28,515
But you could play with
your father's present.

329
00:17:28,516 --> 00:17:30,117
I've got him an eye patch.

330
00:17:30,118 --> 00:17:32,318
PAD. IPAD.

331
00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:34,742
Why's it so irritating
when they get it wrong?

332
00:17:34,807 --> 00:17:35,981
Stevie, Stevie, Stevie,

333
00:17:35,982 --> 00:17:38,125
I really need your help now, it's serious.

334
00:17:38,126 --> 00:17:41,247
You made it very clear your friendship
allegiance is with Gary.

335
00:17:41,248 --> 00:17:43,655
I want nothing to do with her,
friends forgive each other.

336
00:17:44,356 --> 00:17:46,346
Oh, bear with, bear with.

337
00:17:46,636 --> 00:17:48,555
Bear with, bear with, bear with.

338
00:17:49,624 --> 00:17:51,907
Stinky says there's a woman doing Banzai,

339
00:17:51,908 --> 00:17:55,440
that's bonsai with aggressive bushes.
"Hurry...

340
00:17:56,367 --> 00:17:58,410
"..To get a place." Oh, this is it!

341
00:17:58,411 --> 00:17:59,917
This is me!

342
00:18:00,175 --> 00:18:01,945
Oh! Me too, this can be MY thing!

343
00:18:01,946 --> 00:18:04,808
Oh, well, fine. You go off and
aggressively trim your bush.

344
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:10,052
And I've got a new business associate.
Introducing...

345
00:18:10,053 --> 00:18:11,456
Penny.

346
00:18:11,457 --> 00:18:14,775
- In your bonsai faces.
- Nice!

347
00:18:16,016 --> 00:18:16,995
Tripped. I meant to.

348
00:18:16,996 --> 00:18:18,566
I meant to go out like this.

349
00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:33,266
I am only doing this if you
come to Eater's Anonymous.

350
00:18:33,267 --> 00:18:34,710
Yes, Mummy.

351
00:18:34,716 --> 00:18:36,735
It'll be such fun.

352
00:18:36,736 --> 00:18:40,787
You're all very jolly,
aren't you, you...people?

353
00:18:46,576 --> 00:18:48,404
Thank you so much for coming back.

354
00:18:48,405 --> 00:18:49,936
Now, may I introduce you to my mother

355
00:18:49,937 --> 00:18:51,686
and business manager, Penny?

356
00:18:51,687 --> 00:18:54,083
- Dick Twist.
- I'm sorry?

357
00:18:54,084 --> 00:18:55,395
Dick Twist.

358
00:18:55,396 --> 00:18:58,204
- What's he saying?
- That's his name. Dick Twist.

359
00:18:58,205 --> 00:18:59,706
Dick Twist? Dick Twist.

360
00:18:59,707 --> 00:19:00,853
Dick Twist. Dick Twist.

361
00:19:00,854 --> 00:19:01,906
Dick Twist. Dick Twist.

362
00:19:01,907 --> 00:19:03,238
Husk!

363
00:19:03,690 --> 00:19:04,749
Sorry.

364
00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:09,867
I am so sorry about earlier.

365
00:19:09,868 --> 00:19:11,868
As long as you don't get
your maracas out again.

366
00:19:11,869 --> 00:19:13,897
Oh, Miranda! I am so sorry.

367
00:19:13,898 --> 00:19:17,627
No-one needs to see the
mirudders as we call them.

368
00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:20,011
They move independently,

369
00:19:20,012 --> 00:19:22,316
she has the nipple equivalent of a lazy eye.

370
00:19:25,586 --> 00:19:28,090
Right. Do you now have a business model

371
00:19:28,091 --> 00:19:29,616
so I can consider this loan?

372
00:19:29,617 --> 00:19:33,459
I certainly am a model - 
Miss Goadalming, 1968.

373
00:19:33,830 --> 00:19:37,097
Gave it up to have children.
So, that was worthwhile.

374
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:40,115
Can you project for me profit and loss?

375
00:19:40,116 --> 00:19:42,864
Profit and l-o-o-o-o-ss!

376
00:19:44,456 --> 00:19:46,953
She's as incompetent as you are.

377
00:19:46,954 --> 00:19:49,763
Wait, please, Mr Twist,
what are my options?

378
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,776
Well, have you considered
getting a partner?

379
00:19:51,777 --> 00:19:54,599
Oh, we have tried and tried, Dick,

380
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:56,639
if you pardon the vernacular.

381
00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:57,845
She couldn't attract a partner

382
00:19:57,846 --> 00:19:59,984
if you shoved a giant
magnet down her blouse

383
00:19:59,985 --> 00:20:02,476
and sat her next to a man
made of iron filings!

384
00:20:04,106 --> 00:20:07,396
Well, unless you find a manager
with a coherent business plan

385
00:20:07,397 --> 00:20:11,118
within the next 36 hours, the
bailiffs will repossess.

386
00:20:12,836 --> 00:20:16,494
Oh, no! Mummy! Oh, heavens.
You're going to get repossessed!

387
00:20:16,495 --> 00:20:20,627
You'd be a disaster in prison and
by that I mean very popular.

388
00:20:21,224 --> 00:20:25,199
I know, we'll advertise on the
interweb for a new manager.

389
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,857
We've just got time
before Eater's Anonymous.

390
00:20:28,500 --> 00:20:29,563
What's this?

391
00:20:29,564 --> 00:20:33,119
Chat With Lonely Oil Rig Workers.

392
00:20:33,817 --> 00:20:34,841
That's just spam.

393
00:20:36,646 --> 00:20:40,807
Hi. Just a couple of
notices pre the weighing.

394
00:20:40,808 --> 00:20:43,174
Firstly, I've got a very heavy jean on.

395
00:20:43,175 --> 00:20:46,002
Secondly, my breasts are quite heavy.

396
00:20:46,003 --> 00:20:47,493
I know that because I once weighed them

397
00:20:47,494 --> 00:20:49,200
to see how much they cost to post.

398
00:20:49,201 --> 00:20:50,899
Just step on, please.

399
00:20:50,900 --> 00:20:54,638
Also, could we factor in that
at least 10% will be wind?

400
00:20:57,606 --> 00:20:59,612
Make that 7.5%.

401
00:21:00,276 --> 00:21:02,435
7%. Caught me unawares.

402
00:21:02,436 --> 00:21:03,846
- Get on.
- Yes.

403
00:21:06,266 --> 00:21:07,743
I could be a jockey.

404
00:21:07,744 --> 00:21:09,616
Only if you had a massive horse.

405
00:21:11,196 --> 00:21:14,665
Gather. Gather, please, that's it.
Gather, please.

406
00:21:14,666 --> 00:21:18,606
Now, today, I want to focus on
a scenario to help you through

407
00:21:18,607 --> 00:21:20,914
this difficult Christmas period.

408
00:21:20,915 --> 00:21:22,426
So...

409
00:21:22,446 --> 00:21:28,215
which section to the left or
right looks the most delicious?

410
00:21:28,216 --> 00:21:29,715
To the left.

411
00:21:29,716 --> 00:21:31,685
No, try again. To the left.

412
00:21:31,686 --> 00:21:33,934
To the left, to the left... * Beyonce.

413
00:21:33,935 --> 00:21:35,344
You must not know 'bout me

414
00:21:35,345 --> 00:21:37,166
You must not know 'bout me...

415
00:21:37,786 --> 00:21:39,447
Sorry. I think we're always going to say

416
00:21:39,448 --> 00:21:40,826
To the left, to the left.

417
00:21:40,827 --> 00:21:43,499
Tell you for why, it's got pies on it.

418
00:21:43,500 --> 00:21:45,466
High five me, man-boobs. Bam!

419
00:21:45,467 --> 00:21:48,465
So, now it's time for one of my mantras.

420
00:21:48,466 --> 00:21:51,454
If you ever feel like a cake,

421
00:21:51,455 --> 00:21:52,835
stop yourself,

422
00:21:52,836 --> 00:21:54,362
have a carrot.

423
00:21:56,956 --> 00:21:58,914
Are you out of your tiny mind?

424
00:21:58,915 --> 00:22:01,026
- Sorry, still a bit Beyonce!
- Pipe down!

425
00:22:01,027 --> 00:22:04,595
Look I am just trying to
help you help yourself.

426
00:22:04,596 --> 00:22:06,655
- Say what?
- Help yourself.

427
00:22:06,656 --> 00:22:07,926
Thank you very much.

428
00:22:07,927 --> 00:22:10,156
No, not to the buffet, sit down!

429
00:22:11,816 --> 00:22:14,296
It's like Jurassic Park in leggings!
Get back!

430
00:22:17,156 --> 00:22:18,726
Stevie! What are you doing here?

431
00:22:18,727 --> 00:22:20,296
Running away from Mum. You?

432
00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:22,216
Running away from Tilly.

433
00:22:23,346 --> 00:22:24,906
Aw, missed you.

434
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:28,594
Listen, I've advertised for
a new shop manager.

435
00:22:28,595 --> 00:22:30,765
Are you really happy in your job? Yes.

436
00:22:30,766 --> 00:22:33,052
Because it's so important
to be in fun dynamic work

437
00:22:33,053 --> 00:22:35,403
with colleagues who are
tall, beautiful, hilair,

438
00:22:35,404 --> 00:22:38,315
bit model-like, who could
I be talking about? Me.

439
00:22:39,376 --> 00:22:42,375
- Miranda!
- Stevie!

440
00:22:42,376 --> 00:22:45,906
- We need partners for Banzai!
- Fetch the fatty!

441
00:22:49,154 --> 00:22:51,775
- Oh, you look ridiculous.
- I have to hold them when running.

442
00:22:52,686 --> 00:22:54,046
Quick!

443
00:22:57,305 --> 00:23:00,487
Sometimes in our lives

444
00:23:00,654 --> 00:23:02,747
We all have pain

445
00:23:03,085 --> 00:23:06,224
We all have sorrow

446
00:23:07,071 --> 00:23:10,375
But if we hold hands

447
00:23:10,376 --> 00:23:12,585
We know that there's

448
00:23:13,001 --> 00:23:15,565
Always tomorrow

449
00:23:15,566 --> 00:23:17,675
Lean on me

450
00:23:17,676 --> 00:23:20,466
When you're not strong

451
00:23:20,467 --> 00:23:22,975
I'll be your friend

452
00:23:22,976 --> 00:23:26,016
I'll help you carry on...

453
00:23:27,426 --> 00:23:29,802
That's so my thing! I've found my activity,

454
00:23:29,803 --> 00:23:32,406
- wasn't that me?
- It was so you, maybe it's me.

455
00:23:32,873 --> 00:23:35,543
Somebody to lean on.

456
00:23:36,173 --> 00:23:37,710
So not you. So not me.

457
00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:41,010
Stevie, I can see the reporter.

458
00:23:41,731 --> 00:23:43,467
I'm going to... Right.

459
00:23:45,846 --> 00:23:47,816
Lean on me...

460
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:51,614
Mr News Reporter? Sorry to bother you.

461
00:23:51,615 --> 00:23:54,424
I've got a really important
question about your obesity report.

462
00:23:54,425 --> 00:23:56,024
You see, I was in it at the end.

463
00:23:56,025 --> 00:23:58,604
Does that mean that I was part of it?
Oh, poor you.

464
00:23:58,605 --> 00:24:00,771
No, no, we wouldn't do that.
No, we were panning across.

465
00:24:00,772 --> 00:24:03,105
No, I mean you're...you're lovely.

466
00:24:03,106 --> 00:24:04,700
Oh, gosh. Really? Thanks.

467
00:24:04,792 --> 00:24:07,556
Stop it. Really? Stop it. Lovely? Really?

468
00:24:07,557 --> 00:24:10,583
Stop it. Really? Stop it. Really?

469
00:24:10,584 --> 00:24:12,385
Stop it. Lovely? Really?

470
00:24:12,386 --> 00:24:13,823
Stop it.

471
00:24:14,006 --> 00:24:15,230
Stop it.

472
00:24:17,256 --> 00:24:20,165
Stevie! It was panning, I'm not obese!

473
00:24:20,166 --> 00:24:22,729
She's not obese

474
00:24:22,730 --> 00:24:26,414
It was panning.

475
00:24:27,256 --> 00:24:29,731
No, Stevie hasn't replied.
Well, at least we're friends,

476
00:24:29,732 --> 00:24:31,122
I'm meeting her for a coffee after this.

477
00:24:31,123 --> 00:24:36,055
We have one applicant. Patricia
Nelson and her CV says

478
00:24:36,056 --> 00:24:40,143
"I am the one and only,
no other I'd rather be."

479
00:24:41,396 --> 00:24:42,600
Good luck.

480
00:24:43,408 --> 00:24:47,516
Good morning. I'm Patricia Nelson.
I have an interview at 10.

481
00:24:48,106 --> 00:24:49,974
Good morning, Patricia Nelson?

482
00:24:49,975 --> 00:24:51,906
Patricia Nelson, good morning.

483
00:24:51,907 --> 00:24:54,335
Good morning, Patricia Nelson.

484
00:24:54,336 --> 00:24:56,650
- Do take a seat, please.
- Kind regards.

485
00:24:57,418 --> 00:24:59,305
So, Patricia Nelson.

486
00:24:59,306 --> 00:25:00,996
Patricia Nelson, thank you.

487
00:25:00,997 --> 00:25:03,609
Thank you and kind regards.

488
00:25:03,610 --> 00:25:05,776
Well, I just have one key
question really, for you,

489
00:25:05,777 --> 00:25:07,871
Patricia Nelson,

490
00:25:08,368 --> 00:25:10,236
what two main skills do you
think I'm looking for,

491
00:25:10,237 --> 00:25:11,798
please, thank you, to you, please?

492
00:25:11,799 --> 00:25:14,348
Well, one, I can fall off a very high stool

493
00:25:14,349 --> 00:25:16,215
without injuring myself.

494
00:25:16,283 --> 00:25:20,517
And, B, I do a surprisingly
effective Heather Small impression.

495
00:25:21,744 --> 00:25:23,750
Most excellent. Well, Patricia Nelson

496
00:25:23,751 --> 00:25:25,322
I'm so sorry to cut this so short

497
00:25:25,323 --> 00:25:27,198
but I'm actually meeting
a friend for a coffee.

498
00:25:27,199 --> 00:25:30,624
- Oh, I, Patricia Nelson, am also.
- Isn't that weird?

499
00:25:30,625 --> 00:25:33,574
Yes. I look forward to hearing from you.
Kind regards.

500
00:25:33,575 --> 00:25:36,206
Kind regards and best wishes
hence forward to you.

501
00:25:39,977 --> 00:25:41,735
Oh, hi, Stevie.

502
00:25:41,736 --> 00:25:43,844
Oh, hi. Hi there. So what's new?

503
00:25:43,845 --> 00:25:45,956
Oh, I've just come from a job interview.

504
00:25:45,957 --> 00:25:47,965
Have you? How did that go?

505
00:25:47,966 --> 00:25:49,424
Well, she seemed all right.

506
00:25:49,425 --> 00:25:51,319
It was a she interviewing although

507
00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:54,512
hard to tell initially. Big hands.

508
00:25:54,513 --> 00:25:55,794
How goes it with you?

509
00:25:55,795 --> 00:25:58,606
I'm actually interviewing
for the new shop manager.

510
00:25:58,607 --> 00:26:01,012
Oh! Yeah, just saw a tiny woman.

511
00:26:01,013 --> 00:26:04,227
Thought she was coming
round for her Brownie badge.

512
00:26:04,228 --> 00:26:06,755
Well, I think my interviewer
might have been wearing

513
00:26:06,756 --> 00:26:09,646
an elasticated maternity jean.

514
00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:12,421
I would have thought that very unlikely.

515
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:14,494
They're SO comfortable.

516
00:26:16,029 --> 00:26:17,553
Well, will you just excuse me, actually,

517
00:26:17,554 --> 00:26:18,700
cos I've just got to ring my

518
00:26:18,701 --> 00:26:22,198
Jimmy Cranky-esque interviewee, so...

519
00:26:23,786 --> 00:26:27,721
Isn't that weird? Do excuse me.
Yes, of course.

520
00:26:28,174 --> 00:26:30,396
- Hello?
- Hello, is that Patricia Nelson?

521
00:26:30,397 --> 00:26:32,125
Patricia Nelson speaking.

522
00:26:32,126 --> 00:26:34,751
Hello, Patricia Nelson, just
to say you've got the job.

523
00:26:35,686 --> 00:26:37,095
Miranda...

524
00:26:37,096 --> 00:26:38,546
It was me!

525
00:26:40,476 --> 00:26:42,428
Well, yes, I know!

526
00:26:43,336 --> 00:26:45,199
Well, when did you guess?

527
00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:47,544
The minute you came in, you idiot!

528
00:26:48,107 --> 00:26:50,298
Right, come on. Let's get our shop back.

529
00:26:50,299 --> 00:26:51,733
You've got to ring and make an appointment

530
00:26:51,734 --> 00:26:53,700
with Dick Twist immediately. Go!

531
00:26:56,036 --> 00:26:57,114
Sounds exciting.

532
00:26:57,115 --> 00:26:59,224
Yes. And, listen, you were right, OK?

533
00:26:59,225 --> 00:27:02,420
I hadn't forgiven you, so
here is me letting go.

534
00:27:02,421 --> 00:27:04,217
- I'm sorry.
- And I'm sorry that

535
00:27:04,218 --> 00:27:07,270
- I never said.
- No, it's OK. Friends?

536
00:27:08,036 --> 00:27:10,466
We've got Dick Twist's last appointment!

537
00:27:10,467 --> 00:27:11,760
Emergency walk.

538
00:27:11,806 --> 00:27:13,946
Long way up, short way down. Go.

539
00:27:18,166 --> 00:27:19,755
I think it's time.

540
00:27:19,756 --> 00:27:23,796
What have you done today
to make you feel proud?

541
00:27:24,776 --> 00:27:26,465
Got our shop back.

542
00:27:27,816 --> 00:27:29,056
Step to the left.

543
00:27:30,166 --> 00:27:31,459
Step to the right.

544
00:27:32,276 --> 00:27:34,425
Superb, Sue Perb.

545
00:27:35,696 --> 00:27:37,180
And twist.

546
00:27:38,039 --> 00:27:40,298
Twist, Dick. Dick, twist.

547
00:27:40,950 --> 00:27:41,763
Funny!

548
00:27:44,739 --> 00:27:47,390
Now, let's celebrate good times, come on!

549
00:27:49,773 --> 00:27:51,959
Do listen to the end of my newsletter.

550
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:54,005
"And, finally to Miranda,

551
00:27:54,006 --> 00:27:58,568
"Who has resurrected a boutique
in difficult economic times.

552
00:27:58,569 --> 00:28:01,569
"She is the creator of
the latest fitness craze

553
00:28:01,570 --> 00:28:07,198
"And the dashing news reporter
said she was lovely, not obese."

554
00:28:07,199 --> 00:28:10,199
- Happy Christmas!
- Happy Christmas!

555
00:28:10,854 --> 00:28:14,156
So will government provision
help these geriatric,

556
00:28:14,157 --> 00:28:16,579
frail unfortunates at
the end of their lives

557
00:28:16,580 --> 00:28:18,554
to keep warm this winter?

558
00:28:18,779 --> 00:28:22,421
This is Michael Jackford
with the elderly and infirm.

559
00:28:32,455 --> 00:28:34,399
It was panning!

560
00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:38,838
She's not old It was panning!

561
00:28:38,839 --> 00:28:42,868
Lean on me, when you're not strong

562
00:28:42,869 --> 00:28:44,038
Happy Christmas!

563
00:28:44,039 --> 00:28:46,148
I'll be your friend

564
00:28:46,149 --> 00:28:49,668
I'll help you carry on

565
00:28:49,669 --> 00:28:54,118
For it won't be long

566
00:28:54,119 --> 00:28:56,123
Til I'm going to need

567
00:28:56,124 --> 00:28:59,537
Somebody to lean on

568
00:28:59,538 --> 00:29:00,449
Just call

569
00:29:15,259 --> 00:29:17,048
We all
We all need

570
00:29:17,049 --> 00:29:20,749
Somebody to lean on...

9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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